I woke up my husband Phil, and told him, "I think it's time."
The OBGYN returned with my nurse, and the two who were coming onto shift, and a cart for the process. He double checked my cervix and was telling me to be ready to push, but I refused. I told him "I don't want to feel this!" and insisted on another dose, so they reluctantly paused to get me some more of my pain meds. The medications barely helped at all, but it was more for the reassurance that they tried, in my mind.
At 0703 on Saturday, December 6, 2014 I gave birth to an angel, my baby, Pepper Mae. My membranes didn't rupture, so I delivered her, the placenta, and entire gestational sac together. The OB said that was actually a good thing for me, and protected her remains as well. His bedside manner was low through the birth and afterwards. A nurse reminded him multiple times that I wanted to see and hold her. I looked him in the eye and explained that "I do not expect to see a term infant cooing at me. I understand she is premature and dead, but she is still my baby."
He wrapped her in a surgical towel and didn't take his hands completely off of her for the brief moment I had to hold her.
She was premature. She was dead. She was beautiful.
While I held my little angel, I forced back tears and said, "You are beautiful. Goodbye Pepper Mae, I love you." The doctor asked me what her name was, and "you mean like salt and pepper?" but I ignored him. The nurse asked me how we picked her name... and I told her it's because I really like Iron Man, and Pepper Potts is one of the strongest female's I could think of when we had picked her name long before then. The nurses said that was a perfect name, and called her Pepper the remainder of the time we were there.
Several hours passed in which I had to show that I could urinate on my own, and to be monitored for and postpartum bleeding issues. I was fine, physically anyways. I refused breakfast. I had no desire to eat.
We had to make a choice in the hospital on what to do with her remains... We had already decided we wanted tests done to possibly find a REASON why our baby died, but we were not financially prepared to bury one of our children. After discussing things with my husband, we decided to allow the autopsy. It would give even more insight as to what may have caused her demise, and could potentially give information to prevent it from happening to another family in the future.
Because of that choice, we will only have a memorial service rather than a funeral. As much as I want to be happy knowing we did the right thing, and potentially helping someone else... I want a proper burial for my daughter- but I cannot allow myself to regret that choice. Our angel could become an angel to others by giving knowledge on stillbirth.
Around 1000, I begged for Ambien to sleep since I hadn't slept and was physically exhausted, but also because I wanted to escape my emotions for a little while. The gave it to me, and maxed out my IV medications to help me fall asleep.
I woke at noon, the nurses again asking me if I wanted to order food, and again I declined. Since there was no meal to wait on, they began to prepare me for discharge, unhooking my IV, taking my final vitals, and bringing in medications I would be sent home with. I was brought in a wheelchair out to the patient pickup where Phil had pulled the truck around to about 1300 (1PM). We drove home. After Phil had me settled into bed, he picked the kids up from his parents' house.
After Phil got home with our three kids, they got on our bed with me and Phil, and that's when we told them, in the best way that we could, what had happened. They were very understanding, but more detached from the situation as she was a baby they had never met. I think losing our other dog, Daisy, last summer may have been what helped them understand what it meant that Pepper had died.
Our daughter Tia, the middle child who is almost five, seemed to be the saddest about the news because she was really looking forward to a little sister so we could have a "girls club". I struggled back tears to read her a book the hospital had given us to help siblings understand loss. Tiahna gave me a hug and Phil sent her out to watch cartoons with her brothers. It amazes me how well children deal with grief. I'm proud of them.
We are trying to raise money right now to cover the additional costs of Pepper Mae's memorial since this was not something we were ready for. We were already expecting a tight Christmas for our kids because of Phil starting a new job and bills slowly getting behind... but we weren't prepared to lose our baby as well. So if anyone wants to help we do have a Go Fund Me account set up, but we don't expect it or feel entitled to it. If you or anyone you know WOULD like to assist us, here is the link to do that: http://www.gofundme.com/PepperMae
(date and time of post have been edited for timeline)
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