Wednesday, December 10, 2014
There Are No Set "Stages" to Each Person's Grief
"The five stages of loss and grief" is BS. There is no set flow, there is no system, there is no reasoning to how it happens... either that, or I'm just a volatile person in general because as I move forward, I keep sliding back to ANGER. I am NOT okay... I AM ANGRY. I went so far as to cuss out a telemarketer even. I'm thankful for all the support and love we have been getting, and being mad won't fix anything, nothing will change what has happened to my daughter and our family, so there is really no reason to be this ANGRY at the world, but I am. I'm furious. I want to scream but disappear at the same time. I just want... closure. I think. I have no idea.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Birthing an Angel
Saturday morning arrived, and shift change was beginning to take place. I told my nurse, a sweet younger woman named Amanda, that I think it was almost time because I was bleeding a lot more, so she retrieved the OBGYN. He checked my cervix and said I was fully dilated and effaced, and quickly left the room.
I woke up my husband Phil, and told him, "I think it's time."
The OBGYN returned with my nurse, and the two who were coming onto shift, and a cart for the process. He double checked my cervix and was telling me to be ready to push, but I refused. I told him "I don't want to feel this!" and insisted on another dose, so they reluctantly paused to get me some more of my pain meds. The medications barely helped at all, but it was more for the reassurance that they tried, in my mind.
At 0703 on Saturday, December 6, 2014 I gave birth to an angel, my baby, Pepper Mae. My membranes didn't rupture, so I delivered her, the placenta, and entire gestational sac together. The OB said that was actually a good thing for me, and protected her remains as well. His bedside manner was low through the birth and afterwards. A nurse reminded him multiple times that I wanted to see and hold her. I looked him in the eye and explained that "I do not expect to see a term infant cooing at me. I understand she is premature and dead, but she is still my baby."
He wrapped her in a surgical towel and didn't take his hands completely off of her for the brief moment I had to hold her.
I woke up my husband Phil, and told him, "I think it's time."
The OBGYN returned with my nurse, and the two who were coming onto shift, and a cart for the process. He double checked my cervix and was telling me to be ready to push, but I refused. I told him "I don't want to feel this!" and insisted on another dose, so they reluctantly paused to get me some more of my pain meds. The medications barely helped at all, but it was more for the reassurance that they tried, in my mind.
At 0703 on Saturday, December 6, 2014 I gave birth to an angel, my baby, Pepper Mae. My membranes didn't rupture, so I delivered her, the placenta, and entire gestational sac together. The OB said that was actually a good thing for me, and protected her remains as well. His bedside manner was low through the birth and afterwards. A nurse reminded him multiple times that I wanted to see and hold her. I looked him in the eye and explained that "I do not expect to see a term infant cooing at me. I understand she is premature and dead, but she is still my baby."
He wrapped her in a surgical towel and didn't take his hands completely off of her for the brief moment I had to hold her.
She was premature. She was dead. She was beautiful.
While I held my little angel, I forced back tears and said, "You are beautiful. Goodbye Pepper Mae, I love you." The doctor asked me what her name was, and "you mean like salt and pepper?" but I ignored him. The nurse asked me how we picked her name... and I told her it's because I really like Iron Man, and Pepper Potts is one of the strongest female's I could think of when we had picked her name long before then. The nurses said that was a perfect name, and called her Pepper the remainder of the time we were there.
Several hours passed in which I had to show that I could urinate on my own, and to be monitored for and postpartum bleeding issues. I was fine, physically anyways. I refused breakfast. I had no desire to eat.
We had to make a choice in the hospital on what to do with her remains... We had already decided we wanted tests done to possibly find a REASON why our baby died, but we were not financially prepared to bury one of our children. After discussing things with my husband, we decided to allow the autopsy. It would give even more insight as to what may have caused her demise, and could potentially give information to prevent it from happening to another family in the future.
Because of that choice, we will only have a memorial service rather than a funeral. As much as I want to be happy knowing we did the right thing, and potentially helping someone else... I want a proper burial for my daughter- but I cannot allow myself to regret that choice. Our angel could become an angel to others by giving knowledge on stillbirth.
Around 1000, I begged for Ambien to sleep since I hadn't slept and was physically exhausted, but also because I wanted to escape my emotions for a little while. The gave it to me, and maxed out my IV medications to help me fall asleep.
I woke at noon, the nurses again asking me if I wanted to order food, and again I declined. Since there was no meal to wait on, they began to prepare me for discharge, unhooking my IV, taking my final vitals, and bringing in medications I would be sent home with. I was brought in a wheelchair out to the patient pickup where Phil had pulled the truck around to about 1300 (1PM). We drove home. After Phil had me settled into bed, he picked the kids up from his parents' house.
After Phil got home with our three kids, they got on our bed with me and Phil, and that's when we told them, in the best way that we could, what had happened. They were very understanding, but more detached from the situation as she was a baby they had never met. I think losing our other dog, Daisy, last summer may have been what helped them understand what it meant that Pepper had died.
Our daughter Tia, the middle child who is almost five, seemed to be the saddest about the news because she was really looking forward to a little sister so we could have a "girls club". I struggled back tears to read her a book the hospital had given us to help siblings understand loss. Tiahna gave me a hug and Phil sent her out to watch cartoons with her brothers. It amazes me how well children deal with grief. I'm proud of them.
We are trying to raise money right now to cover the additional costs of Pepper Mae's memorial since this was not something we were ready for. We were already expecting a tight Christmas for our kids because of Phil starting a new job and bills slowly getting behind... but we weren't prepared to lose our baby as well. So if anyone wants to help we do have a Go Fund Me account set up, but we don't expect it or feel entitled to it. If you or anyone you know WOULD like to assist us, here is the link to do that: http://www.gofundme.com/PepperMae
(date and time of post have been edited for timeline)
Friday, December 5, 2014
Arriving at The Hospital
We arrived at Blanchfield Army Community Hospital around 1500 (3PM) and were quickly placed into a room for an emergency appointment. I appreciate that they didn't make us wait surrounded by healthy pregnancies and newborn babies. I remember very little about the conversations. They were very apologetic and asked if we would want another ultrasound, just confirm, I said yes. As soon as Pepper Mae showed up on the screen, there was no denying she was gone, she had curled up more with her chin against her tiny chest, and still had no heartbeat. I told the OBGYN "I already knew, I just had to see again. It's not normal for them to sleep like that."
She agreed, and started to go over our options, and I told her "I don't care how much more it will hurt, I want to deliver her. I don't want her to be torn apart. She deserves more than that."
She told me they could get everything ready for us in Labor and Delivery, but there was no rush, we could even wait a few days to process what was going on. We decided to go home for a couple hours so we could get some clothes and things for our kids to stay the night with their grandparents, and to pick our oldest son up from the daycare he goes to after school. We still had to take care of them too.
I was silent pretty much the entire time except for crying on-and-off, until we picked up our son. We didn't know how to tell them yet, so I needed to be strong. After dropping our oldest off to join his little brother and sister and my inlaws, along with some of their things, we dropped off the rent check, because as much as it felt like it, life was not actually standing still, and decided to go eat one last meal together before what was about to happen. We decided to go to Popeyes since it was fast, and I had told my husband I wasn't sure if I could sit in a restaurant waiting on food. While we were there I was still just... numb. We ran into some old friends while we were there, and timing could not have been better. I NEEDED the distraction of familiar company. I couldn't finish my food, so we took it to-go and continued on in the rain back to the hospital.
When we got to Labor and Delivery, around 1900 (7pm) we had to sit in the waiting room for what felt like an eternity. It started out as empty, but we were joined by two pregnant women, one with several friends in tow. They were excited for her. The other woman looked annoyed. She seemed to hate everything about being pregnant. I can relate, I've felt that way in the past too, but in my head I was screaming at her to just be happy her baby didn't die.
Finally, a nurse arrive and called us back. We were the first room on the left. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me almost right away. He said I don't have to feel any of it, and that they could medicate me as much as my weight allows because we didn't have to worry about risks to the baby at this point. I declined an epidural since I've never had one before, and didn't want that to be the time to find out if I would panic being numbed or not, so we opted for IV narcotics. After several attempts to run an IV and draw blood, and going through the many questions for my chart, I was given Dilaudid and something else, and a Cytotec pill that helps induce labor, all starting around 2200 (10PM).
By almost 0100, I was already starting to bleed, as the induction was taking effect. I stayed awake through the entire process. It was hard enough to sleep because of the emotions I was going through, but because of the risk of blood clots, I had to wear these weird things on my legs that take turns inflating. I was only allowed clear liquids because of the drugs. I nibbled on some leftovers anyways to settle my stomach. Because of drinking water for the cottonmouth I was having along with the IV fluids, I had to use the bathroom all night anyways. Phil fell asleep on the couch.
(date and time of post edited for timeline)
She agreed, and started to go over our options, and I told her "I don't care how much more it will hurt, I want to deliver her. I don't want her to be torn apart. She deserves more than that."
She told me they could get everything ready for us in Labor and Delivery, but there was no rush, we could even wait a few days to process what was going on. We decided to go home for a couple hours so we could get some clothes and things for our kids to stay the night with their grandparents, and to pick our oldest son up from the daycare he goes to after school. We still had to take care of them too.
I was silent pretty much the entire time except for crying on-and-off, until we picked up our son. We didn't know how to tell them yet, so I needed to be strong. After dropping our oldest off to join his little brother and sister and my inlaws, along with some of their things, we dropped off the rent check, because as much as it felt like it, life was not actually standing still, and decided to go eat one last meal together before what was about to happen. We decided to go to Popeyes since it was fast, and I had told my husband I wasn't sure if I could sit in a restaurant waiting on food. While we were there I was still just... numb. We ran into some old friends while we were there, and timing could not have been better. I NEEDED the distraction of familiar company. I couldn't finish my food, so we took it to-go and continued on in the rain back to the hospital.
When we got to Labor and Delivery, around 1900 (7pm) we had to sit in the waiting room for what felt like an eternity. It started out as empty, but we were joined by two pregnant women, one with several friends in tow. They were excited for her. The other woman looked annoyed. She seemed to hate everything about being pregnant. I can relate, I've felt that way in the past too, but in my head I was screaming at her to just be happy her baby didn't die.
Finally, a nurse arrive and called us back. We were the first room on the left. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me almost right away. He said I don't have to feel any of it, and that they could medicate me as much as my weight allows because we didn't have to worry about risks to the baby at this point. I declined an epidural since I've never had one before, and didn't want that to be the time to find out if I would panic being numbed or not, so we opted for IV narcotics. After several attempts to run an IV and draw blood, and going through the many questions for my chart, I was given Dilaudid and something else, and a Cytotec pill that helps induce labor, all starting around 2200 (10PM).
By almost 0100, I was already starting to bleed, as the induction was taking effect. I stayed awake through the entire process. It was hard enough to sleep because of the emotions I was going through, but because of the risk of blood clots, I had to wear these weird things on my legs that take turns inflating. I was only allowed clear liquids because of the drugs. I nibbled on some leftovers anyways to settle my stomach. Because of drinking water for the cottonmouth I was having along with the IV fluids, I had to use the bathroom all night anyways. Phil fell asleep on the couch.
(date and time of post edited for timeline)
When We Found Out...
Friday, December 5, 2014 at 1335, we began our ultrasound. That morning was rough, my two younger kids were being ornery all morning, the screen on my phone broke, and I wasn't looking forward to running errands after my appointment since I don't handle the cold very well because of having a thing called Raynauds. I was wanting to reschedule, but I also wanted to see our baby Pepper Mae and to know she was growing well, as I could feel her moving the night before, so I wanted to see my tiny dancer who seemed to prefer country music.
We got settled into the ultrasound room, I was very thankful my husband Phil was able to slip away from his last day of work at his old job and be with me to see our baby girl. About two minutes into the ultrasound, I was already weary because I've had enough ultrasounds to know what to look for, and I couldn't see her heartbeat. It wasn't unusual for her to not move around that time of day, she was always more active in the evenings and mornings. The tech said there was an issue with the machine and she was going to go make sure the images were transferring properly, that it had been giving them problems all morning, and stepped out. I looked at my husband trying not to show fear, but he knew what was on my mind and told me "I'm sure the baby is fine, she said something is just wrong with the machine.".
Five minutes passed. Then ten. I started to tell Phil how I didn't see her heartbeat, and I thought something was wrong. After fifteen minutes, he popped his head out in the hallway and said she was on the phone, probably talking to tech support. When nearly twenty minutes had gone by, with my belly still covered by a towel, she returned... I already knew. She told us "I just got off the phone with the doctor, and I am sorry to tell you this, but your baby has passed."
Phil was already by my side as the words came out of her mouth, and I began sobbing into his chest. I told her "I knew the moment you left the room." and continued sobbing.
She said something to my husband about the hospital waiting for me blah, blah, blah... I have no idea what all she said, I was too emotional to hear anything but Phil's voice.
I don't know how much time passed before I was able to gather myself enough to leave the building. I tried to put myself back together the best I could, but made it to the parking lot before Phil caught me from collapsing into more tears in the rain. We drove to his work and he dropped off my keys with a coworker so they could move my car for us, and we headed to the hospital on post.
(posting dates edited for timeline)
We got settled into the ultrasound room, I was very thankful my husband Phil was able to slip away from his last day of work at his old job and be with me to see our baby girl. About two minutes into the ultrasound, I was already weary because I've had enough ultrasounds to know what to look for, and I couldn't see her heartbeat. It wasn't unusual for her to not move around that time of day, she was always more active in the evenings and mornings. The tech said there was an issue with the machine and she was going to go make sure the images were transferring properly, that it had been giving them problems all morning, and stepped out. I looked at my husband trying not to show fear, but he knew what was on my mind and told me "I'm sure the baby is fine, she said something is just wrong with the machine.".
Five minutes passed. Then ten. I started to tell Phil how I didn't see her heartbeat, and I thought something was wrong. After fifteen minutes, he popped his head out in the hallway and said she was on the phone, probably talking to tech support. When nearly twenty minutes had gone by, with my belly still covered by a towel, she returned... I already knew. She told us "I just got off the phone with the doctor, and I am sorry to tell you this, but your baby has passed."
Phil was already by my side as the words came out of her mouth, and I began sobbing into his chest. I told her "I knew the moment you left the room." and continued sobbing.
She said something to my husband about the hospital waiting for me blah, blah, blah... I have no idea what all she said, I was too emotional to hear anything but Phil's voice.
I don't know how much time passed before I was able to gather myself enough to leave the building. I tried to put myself back together the best I could, but made it to the parking lot before Phil caught me from collapsing into more tears in the rain. We drove to his work and he dropped off my keys with a coworker so they could move my car for us, and we headed to the hospital on post.
(posting dates edited for timeline)
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